Understanding is not the issue, support and love is

When I came out back in 1977, An*ta Bry*nt was on the news and being gay was becoming the 'chic' thing to be.  My liberal parents, though seemingly cool about gay people, kind of 'flipped' when I came out to them.  (To their credit, they got over themselves pretty quickly - considering), but I guess being in my own little world at the time, I wasn't able to completely understand what they might have been going through or what was causing them to flip out.

Their lives were going along with all the normal stuff of raising 4 children (at the time, age range of 19-7).  Their eldest child (me) has graduated high school and is seeming to be floundering after her first year at college, but kids do this sometimes.  She seems to be all of a sudden hanging around with a very flamboyant gay guy and some pretty masculine women, but she's a good kid.... and then the words "I'm gay" are spoken and "WOAH - what the ??!!!"

At this point, it becomes personal.  To them.

It's not about, 'Gay people should be free to live their lives and An*ta Bry*nt is a nut job and needs to just let those people live their lives.  They're not bothering anyone."

It is about "MY child is gay.  A lesbian.  How did this happen?  What did I possibly do to make this happen?  Why didn't I see this?  What could I have done to prevent this?  Which side of the family did THIS come from?(!!)  Now what do we do?"

And I remember asking them, at the time, why it was such a big thing to understand or accept.  I just figured that they'd be cool from the second they heard, cuz I'd heard them say how gay people are just people and it shouldn't matter as long as they're not bothering anyone else.  Apparently, my parents only meant that when it wasn't pertaining to their daughter.  THAT was a different story.  But, I didn't get it then. 

Until something becomes personal to you, it's not something that you may even think about.  Whether or not people can belong to a country club only will be of importance to you when YOU can't become a member of that country club.  Gay rights will only be of importance to you if you are gay and are discriminated upon.

Well even in the gay community, there are things that aren't personal to me.  If you notice the acronym when people reference our community and are being inclusive, it's GBLT.  When I was younger, I hated the term lesbian (it sounded like a disease) and always labeled myself as gay (even though for most, the term gay was only for homos*xual men).  The "T" in there stood and still stands for Transgendered.

But for me, personally, when I hear that term, the image of Renee Richards comes to mind.  But I didn't know anyone personally. 

So, ok, the GBLT community wants equal rights.   Ok.  Sounds right.  Include rights for the Trans people in the equality legislation.  Change terminology in legislation to include Trans people.  Ok.  Sounds fair.   Just words.

And then, someone I knew and have known over the past 15 years, though not really close, but close enough, told me that they were going to transition from female to male.   Wow.  Ok... good for you.  Of course, he's changing his name.  And of course, he'll be looking a bit different, as the medications have their affects on him.  OK.  I'm still his friend.  Of course.  But I don't really understand.

And then another friend, this one is a bit closer to me, (as he's* the partner of a very good friend of mine), came out as being trans.

Now what the HELL is going on?  (echos of my Mother reaction back then "What, is everyone gay?!!")

But back to the present day.  I thought to myself, "C'mon!  It's not enough to just be masculine?  Being butch and dressing in men's clothes isn't enough?  Huh?"

I didn't get it.  Especially in the case where the 2nd friend was with a lesbian.  Hell, HE had been a lesbian.  (??)  Now, if he's becoming a man, then when all is said and done, won't they be straight?!!!  (think about it!)

Yesterday, Chastity Bono 'came out'.  Again.  Well, not exactly again.  Different.  He* came out as transgendered.  He is transitioning from female to male.  At the age of 40. (wow - he's 40!)

Everyone is talking about it.  People who don't know him will talk about it as "wow, how wild.  Wonder why after all these years as being identified as gay, that's not enough, blah blah blah".

I'm sure his Mom (Cher) will be cool about it, in time.  But she first heard the words, she was probably stunned, just as any parent would be when first hearing those words.

But what it comes down to is that no one really has to understand.  Not everyone can, wants or needs to understand what makes people feel and need to do things.

It's not about understanding or judging.  It's about being supportive.  Being a parent.  Being a friend.  Being a partner or spouse.

I'm sure transitioning is a hard enough journey to be on without having to worry about the reactions from all the people in their lives.  But inside, they're still the same person.  It's about making the outside match what they feel inside.  And whether you, I or anyone else can understand that concept or not, is really not relevant.

Their parents, friends, and family just need to support and love them.  Their co-workers need to continue to respect them as they always have.  It's an adjustment, no doubt, but one that can and needs to be made.

I'm glad that the two people that I know personally have that support. And that I'm a part of that support.

Not all trans people have support.  Whether you're straight, gay, trans, whatever...  it's all about treating others equally.

Shabbat Shalom.

*- starting in the transitioning period, pronouns are changed to the gender being transitioned to.

Comments

[Tina-cious.com]

I gotta admit -- when trans entered my world (oddly enough, when Jess and I first got together - ah that hindsight be 20-20) I didn't get why they were part of the gay community (unless, of course, they ended up gay after the transition).

I've learned so much through Jess.

It's so true. We don't even try to understand or help things that don't affect us. Hopefully that's something we can change in the future.

Excellent post! :)

[val]

Tina.. thanks :)

[Jess]

Hey Val. 2nd friend here :)

Thank you for the love and support. You know I'm always willing to talk about it with you if you have any questions. I might technically be heterosexual now, but I will personally never consider myself straight. I'm sticking with my queer identity.

I can't believe Chaz came out.. and the timing! I think it'll make it even easier for me to come out to my staff.

This was a great post!

[Delmar Bogner]

You nailed it, Val. And it is important to say it clearly and publicly.
Mom and Dad

[val]

Jess... your openness about your journey has been so enlightening and educational. Thanks for that.

Dad... thanks for your support now AND then, too! ;)

[Deborah]

Terrific post!

Bravura.

[KMae]

It IS somewhat confusing, but I have known trannies for 20yrs. I have always thought 'I have had SO many problems in my life, Thank God this is not one of them.' Back when I lived in the City I was in a women's only 12 step group 'Survivors of Incest Anonymous' SIA... When M to F women started trying to join the group, there was a huge uprising - women did not want ex-men, people who had grown up with male priveledge, to be allowed to come in. There were big discussions & finally a vote. I was leading the group that felt it was unfair to keep these women out. Eventually we won the vote & the women were allowed to join! The original women who objected found another meeting room & started another group so we were split in half, but since there were so many of us, that was fine.
Then-
M to F women who had NOT had the surgery & still had their penuses (peni?) started coming. Okay- that created craziness... There were women who quite frankly did NOT feel safe with penis's in the room. I was not one of them, but I did understand. This was a group created for women abused & raped as children to feel safe in. Back then there were SO few trannies coming out that there was not enough information. As cool & liberal I thought of myself at the time, the penis factor had me stumped. Today I would be like whatever... We all still have a lot to learn!

[Maria]

It hit home to us several years ago. A woman who we knew as a lesbian decided to become male. He went from being Wendy to DJ. Bing had a very hard time with it, kept saying things like, "I think you should just stick to the body you have, don't mess with that shit." She was concerned too, because Wendy had little money and this wiped out completely her nest egg. Bing was horrified.

It never bothered me at all. And when Wendy became DJ, I found that yes, DJ had been there all along trapped inside of Wendy. And eventually, Bing agreed.

Until something happens to you...it is hard to relate.

[treppenwitz]

So obviously I also had a transition period (longer than mom & dad's) when you came out... but after a short while it did kinda become 'oh of course she's gay... how did I not notice all those years'. And even though you were probably convinced that your orthodox brother would totally try to shelter his kids from 'the news', it never occurred to me to do so. in fact, I don't think we ever had 'the talk' with any of the kids about you. Kids are pretty perceptive... and they accept pretty much anything you throw at them as 'the norm'.

But that's not why I wanted to leave a comment today. What I really wanted to share is that whenever I read the GBLT label, I have this Pavlovian response and begin salivating. You see, all I see is the 'BLT' part, and I miss BLT sandwiches so badly from my pre-kosher days that even seeing their abbreviation makes me drool. :-)

[val]

Deborah.. thanks

Kmae...yes we do - thanks for sharing!

Maria... it's amazing how everyone knows someone, right?

Trep...(David) - you're right, I should have mentioned the impact on siblings and I'm grateful for how you've handled it yourself and with your kids!
You absolutely made me laugh outloud with your 2nd paragraph, though! So much for maturity! ;) You're a goofball! :)

[KMae]

Treppenwitz- that's HALARIOUS!!
I love it. I want one... hehe.