Thinking while in the shower

I do some of my best thinking in the shower.  And while driving in my car to work.  Yep, some great post topics literally 'pour' over me as I lather my body and wash my hair.  And some come to me as I hear a familiar song from my past that reminds me of some funny incident of my youth. 

Unfortunately, my short-term memory issue doesn't allow a lot of them to actually make it to my fingertips and therefore to this blog.  It's really unfortunate.

But one thing that has been on my mind lately is that at the age that I am now, my grandmother was enjoying my first year on this earth.  How could I be that age?  It's mind blowing.  Really.

51 years old.  She was 50 years older than me.  My Mother is 25 years older than me.

I firmly believe that age is just a number.  I look around at other women my age and certainly I don't look or act like any of them.  Maturity aside, I just don't see myself as that age.  In fact, in some ways, I see a sort of re-birth in myself lately.

I have taken up more sports over the past 2-3 years than I have in my entire life!  Who takes up bike riding and skiing at this age?

I tend to think that starting out my role of motherhood at the tender age of 42 certainly helps to keep me young at heart and mind.  This could be helping to push me over the brink of sanity at times, as well!

I don't have regrets, but it saddens me to think that I wasted a lot of time in my 30's and early 40's sitting around waiting.  During that time, I kept thinking that life was good and that I was content.  But that wasn't what it was I was feeling.  It was the sense of comfort that comes when a familiarity in your surroundings prevents you from making necessary changes.  Changes that will end up hurting someone that you don't want to hurt.  So you stay.  And try to convince yourself that it's where you should be.  Until a pressure just sort of builds up from within you and gets to a point that if a change isn't made, you could actually be suffocated by it.

I'm thankful that whatever that was, pushed me and enabled me to take charge of my life and make that leap of faith.  It allowed me to live and survive.  I don't want to sound like a preacher or anything, but it was a hallelujah moment for me, but it was so unbelievably scary, I wasn't sure I would survive the transition.

I put my daughter through some painful and confusing times, which I'm thankful for the fact that she was very young and hopefully won't remember it all.  And that I have become a different person will only prove that i will be a better Mother for her.

And yet, here I am.  51 years young and I feel like I have a new lease on life.  Because I do.

I found the person who has made me whole.  She has come into my life when she was supposed to.  She has come into Sophie's life and become an important person to her, as well.  We are both better off because of what she gives to us both.

I loved my Grandmother dearly.  But as I think of her at the age of 51, and through all of her subsequent years (she lived to be 88 years old), I wonder if she ever knew love.  A real love between two people who are meant to be together and share a life together.  And I don't think that she did.  That's just very sad.

And maybe that's why she had so much love for me and my siblings.  Maybe she couldn't come to terms that she could make changes in her life in order to find someone special to share her life with after her divorce from her husband.  Back then, women didn't have a lot of options, I guess. 

I'm glad that she was there for me, but I am sad that she had no one for her.  She always said that she 'hated people'.  And she did live a life as an anti-social.  But, I'm sure she was lonely.

Whatever my future holds, it's sure to be an adventure.  Because that's what I want it to be.  Not the kind where risks have to be taken every single moment, but the kind where you're aware, present and happy.

I wonder what the shower or driving in the car thoughts will be tomorrow or the next day.  I just hope that I can remember them long enough to share.

Comments

[Maria]

I tend to believe that you find love where you can. Your grandmother found it in her grandchildren.

And yes, being with the one you are meant to be with is such a jolt of joy, isn't it? I think of all those years wasted while Bing waited in the wings for me and I wonder why I was so foolish, yet...I could not have been the partner that I am now back then. I would (and did) mess it up.

I tend to write my best posts in the bathtub...

[val]

Maria... yes a jolt of joy is an understatement! Thanks for the image of your blogging location! :-P

[eb]

Wonderful post Val!

[val]

eb.. thanks.

[Deborah]

Agreed, wonderful post.

I remember commenting somewhere, some time ago, that coming out and experiencing what I'd been experiencing, I felt 17 all over again.

It's much, much better this time around.

YaY for you Val!

[KMae]

Great Post.
The best part is that you don't 'FEEL' old. (I do!- ha!) Of course I'm 11yrs older than you.)

[Kathleen]

"Until a pressure just sort of builds up from within you and gets to a point that if a change isn't made, you could actually be suffocated by it."

I could have written this myself--I know that feeling all too well. I'm so glad you were able to make the change, its incredible isn't it?