Don't say you haven't been warned. Turn back if you're squeamish, don't give a crap (pun intended) about medical tests or are bored reading this already!
One of the joys rude awakenings events that one gets to experience when they turn the glorious age of 50 is a colonoscopy. (or as my daughter termed it so quaintly after hearing me describe the procedure, a 'butt check'!)
I am not crazy about doctors, but unlike my mother & grandmother's generation, I feel that modern medicine offers a lot of screening type procedures and as long as my insurance covers it, I'm going to make sure that everything in my body is working correctly. I can only check/see so much on my body and know that there are silent killers that could be lurking and plotting against me. This is not to sound paranoid. I just don't ever want to be uttering the words, "I should have had that checked early on...".
So right after my annual checkup, my Dr informed me that because of my age, I 'get' to have this colon screening procedure. (WOOHOO!!! Lucky me!) Unlike the breast screening procedure, where to avoid embarrassment I WISH/PRAY that they would knock me out before doing it, thankfully, this process can ONLY be done while I'm knocked out. amen!
I made the appointment over a month ago, put all the paperwork/instructions away and promptly forgot about it - what with the holidays and other life stuff going on.
I got a reminder letter with more instructions a week ago, along with a friendly reminder phone call.
I had to pick up some medicine that when mixed with either water, ginger ale or any juice that was not orange, tomato or pineapple, would provide the necessary internal combustion to clear the way for the exam being done the next day.
It looked harmless enough in a small see-through bottle. I chose cherry flavored over ginger-lime (can you say eeeeeeew??!).
My original plan was to take the first dosage at 4pm at my office. (I thought, how fast could it start working???!) The yearning for my own bathroom in these type of situations, won and I left the office at 3, picked up Sophie and was home by 4.
I had a breakfast sandwich at 8am and as many cups of coffee as I could swallow before 10am - the time when no more solids (aside from jello - - that's a solid????!) could pass my lips. I think 4 cups of coffee were ingested.
So I mixed the cherry flavored phospho-soda (doesn't that just vibrate with flavor??!) with some ginger-ale and start swallowing the 8oz of mixture. Half way thru the full amount, my stomach started making funny noises. (Sophie looked up from across the room to see what it was!!) By the time I swallowed the last little bit, it's all I can do to run to the bathroom, get my pants down and sit my ass on the toilet before the festivities begin.
Amazing.
I felt a bit nauseous. But 2 minutes later I was feeling OK and talking to my daughter about her homework.
5 minutes later, I was racing to the bathroom again.
And this was the basic rhythm over the next 1.5 hours. Then I was given 20 minutes between bathroom visits, where I thought to myself, why was I going to need to take another dosage of that 'magic potion' at 7pm when there couldn't possibly be anything left inside me.
Silly me.
By 7, I was feeling hungry, the nausea was gone.
Time to mix another 'cocktail'. This one went down without the stomach noises. I felt fine.
I wanted to watch the UCONN game... However, I kept having to leave to visit the bathroom about every 20 minutes or so. Impossible, I thought to myself. But my body argued effectively otherwise.
UCONN played great and I managed to see most of the game despite the necessary business having to be taken care of.
I was tired, hungry and queasy.
We watched a movie and then went to bed about 11-ish. By that time, it had been about an hour since my last bathroom visit and my stomach had stopped making noises.
I slept like a baby and we got up about 5:45, as we had to be at the Dr's office by 7am.
A little side-note: I had decided to conduct an experiment to see how much weight-loss would occur between yesterday morning and this morning, so I weighed myself yesterday. This morning I was 3.5lbs lighter! I'm not encouraging anyone to do this as a weigh-loss option, but damn, I sure felt skinny this morning!
I have to say that anytime I had thought of the actual procedure, I was only concerned with what actual physical position I'd be in while they were doing the exam. Especially since I'd be knocked out. Would they position me on my back with my legs in a mock gynecological position with my butt elevated? !!! Or worse, would they have me on my stomach and then have me prop myself up on my elbows and knees - butt up in the air?!!! All possibilities seemed impossibly embarrassing and made me shudder.
These thoughts show why it's a good thing I'm not a doctor... this is what ACTUALLY happened.
They took me in a small room where they took my blood pressure and temperature. All normal. Then the nurse gave me 2 bags for my clothes and shoes and left me while I removed all clothing. Yes, ALL clothing. I could leave all my jewelry on - earings, necklace, ring & watch. They gave me some cute little blue bootie slippers to put on (and keep forever and ever!). And they gave me a nice johnnie coat which I was instructed to put on with the opening towards the back. ::: shudder :::
They came back in and put in the IV that would administer the drugs to put me out when the time came. I was then walked out of that room, down the hall to another room where the temperature was a little warmer than a meat locker. There were lots of machines and a bed that I was told to sit down on in the middle and then told to lie down on my back. (I feared that some gyno stirrups were going to pop up from the bottom of the bed...)
Everyone was so nice and chatty to me. Making sure I had a nice blanket over me. Making sure the pillow under my head was comfy. There were about 4 people primping things all around me and all I could think was, "Jeez... just how MANY people are gonna be seeing me with my butt in the air this morning???!!!"
The Dr arrived and asked if there were any questions. I gave him a brave smile and said no. Then a nurse told me to roll over on my left side and tuck my knees up a bit while keeping my legs together. She said that the sleepy medicine was going to start and just as I said to myself, "so THAT's how they're getting to my butt...", I was asleep.
I awoke when I heard Linda's voice asking when I was going to wake up and the nurse answering that it would be soon. I looked at my watch and it was 7:50. The last I had looked at my watch it was 7:30. They said it would be quick and they were right.
They said everything was fine - they hadn't found anything unusual. I felt groggy but was in no pain.
They propped me up a bit, gave me some crackers and ginger ale and within 10 minutes I was up and dressed and we headed home.
Although it was not the most pleasant of experiences, I hope that people reading this realize that having this screening can save your life. It's certainly not glamorous or fun, but if it could catch something that could ultimately cut short your life down the road, I hope you seriously consider having this done when you're of age to do so.
I'm very thankful that this screening also differs from having a mammogram in that I won't have to have another one for at least 5 years.
I'm home recuperating today so I think I'll go take a nap now.
